Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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