He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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