I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
