Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
