I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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