I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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