life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
