bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
