I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
