Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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