FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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