Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
