i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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