I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
