pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
