her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
