my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
