The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
