I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.