he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
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He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬