I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening