I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.