Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
