so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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