I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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