I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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