cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
