Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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