I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
