You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
