Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
