I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
