People in love make me want to vomit
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
even my farts smell like vagina
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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