i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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