Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
