I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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