my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
