I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
