Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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