if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
