I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
