found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
