I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
