Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
