I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
And then he peed in my hair
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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