the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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