I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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