The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
