My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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