dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
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Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
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struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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