I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
