at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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