he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
