remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can you repeat that, but with context?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
