Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
