You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
