i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
