i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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