Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
