there's paper in my vomit.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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