The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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