can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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